My First Time: Police Trauma in the Child "Hood"

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I was only 8 years old, full of love for everyone with big dreams about my future when this photo of me holding my baby picture was taken. Little did I know that this would be the last picture ever taken of my innocence. In less than 3 months after this moment my life was forever changed when I was stopped by a police officer while walking home from school. Although I was completely innocent and had never committed a crime, he proceeded to hand cuff me and place me against his car. Then he patted me down and went through my pockets and superman back pack, in search of drugs or weapons. I could feel the fingers of this grown man I had never met running up and down and between my legs. As this was happening I could not help but notice his gun which was eye level, and wondered how many people he had shot with it, and whether I'd be next. I also watched as my white classmates walked by and pointed at me like I was guilty.

After coming up unsuccessful in his search, the policeman took the cuffs off and sent me on my way, as if he was doing me a favor. Although I was happy to have been set free, that night I lay in my bed and cried as I stared at the welts on my wrist left by those cold shackles. The physical welts from the cuffs eventually went away. It was the emotional and physiological welts on my spirit and psyche that scarred me forever. My 8 year old free spirit constantly fought with my 80 year old soul around this idea that no matter how light I walked, how nice I dressed or how much I stayed out of out of trouble, my freedom could be taken from me at any time and that I could be put in hand cuffs and taken to jail away from my home, family and safety or possibly even killed. And "the police" had the power to do this.

Two weeks before my encounter with the policeman, I had been placed in Special Ed at the predominantly white school I attended on the predominantly white side of town in conservative Oklahoma. So I was already scorned as my teachers suggested that I be placed on medication a.k.a. drugs. Now, here I was handcuffed by a cop in front of the school being searched for drugs. As one would imagine, being rendered helpless and vulnerable while my freedom, dignity and innocence were stripped away caused me to develop a deep sense of distrust and anger towards cops. And with reason - because the stops never stopped. It was like the older I got, the more I got pulled over, and the more I got pulled over the more angry I became. 

As we look around at the current racial tensions between the black community and police it is important that we understand that many black males young and old have been traumatized by the policing practices in this country. This is something that very few of my peers would be willing to admit, or they don't even recognize as the  source of their pain. But most will attest that the constant stripping away of their dignity, freedom and smiles of innocence makes them angry. My First Time was traumatizing and a major contributing factor to my anger towards authority  that set my young life on a downward spiral. So as I reflect on the recent events, I believe it is essential for us to honestly deal with this deeply rooted trauma caused by unjustified profiling and stereotyping.  If we're ever going to move towards healing and reconciliation, we need to search for answers so we can understand just how  deeply racial profiling and abuse contribute to and manifest in the generations of boys who are growing into traumatized men.

As the rallies and talks of eradicating abusive police practices that have been allowed to run wild and free here in the west, fills my heart with joy, it also forces me to face my unresolved pain that is deeply rooted in my psyche from being abused by the police. I believe that the movement to show this country that black lives matter is heading in a good direction. I just hope it does not stop with putting pressure on cops to not kill unarmed black men. I also hope that it provides space for those of us whose survived our run-ins with the police, but walked away with our innocence and sense of humanity murdered, a safe place to heal.

Although my life spiraled out of control due to the abuse I suffered at the hands of an insensitive justice system and an insensitive educational system, my life was turned around through the help of God and many mentors. I am now:

A Teacher

A Minister

A Motivational Speaker

An Author

An Ivy League Graduate with a Master’s Degree in Education

And a Doctoral Student at Columbia University who sits on panels with influential leaders

and like many other black males walking around I am a survivor who is “functionally traumatized” by police abuse.